LittleOleMe

Hmmmm


so things are good.

I'm still pot free. This is a great thing, though i've been tempted a whole whole whole lot a whole whole whole lot of times... but it seems i've found a better reason to NOT get high each time, and i'm thankful for that.

I'm gonna move out of my house soon.. a house i have shared for the last four and a half years with my husband...who's really more like my best friend. We have lived together for the last 12 years.. and it's time for change...
a good change
a big c… Continue

or perhaps ecstatic is a better word...
today was another good day in a string of good days
which seem to be occurring more regularly

I'm working on a really cool project with a really amazing person, and it's going to be SPECTACULAR when we pull it off. it feels good to be accomplishing something, or working towards accomplishing it anyways, while sober.

Tomorrow makes a year since my grandmothers death. I remember that as soon as i got home from work that night i got high and stayed high. I… Continue

Yesterday was a test in a lot of ways.

my mom is moving closer to me. I think that's a great thing. It still doesnt feel like a reality, but I think it will in time. I just keep thinking something will happen to prevent her from moving here. our timing is always messed up when it comes to living in proximity of each other. But this time will be different.
my mom also has a health issue that is concerning me a bit right now. She is a mess over it. I'm just going to be positive about it and hopef… Continue

I am a ghost, everything passes through me. I'm drifting quietly in and out of this day. Nothing touches me, nothing before me or beneath me. I am translucent as sunlight, thoughts rattle like pennies in a paper cup, in my left behind brain.

That's how I feel anyways....
and there are a couple thoughts rattling around up there
i really need to stop with this pity party.



inversions and metric conversions and numbers slipping back and forth
undulating through time in a third
a
second
time to b… Continue

I feel like:

the door that someone didn't pull shut,
the pencil with a hollow place at the end where the lead fell out,
my favorite book, with all the interesting parts cut out.


and I need to start writing more, sober.
i push it away from myself, these days.
i used to curl up in the curve of words and sentiments,
and thoughts speeding by,
and let them wash over me like a wave.
i never had to think, to write.
it just flowed, and I had no idea where it was flowing from;
i only knew that my hand… Continue

I see my mother.
But only in puzzle
peices:
the cotton blue shirt with its three
brown-eyed buttons,
a barrette or
stiff loafers worn to softness.
Within this
interlude, she swings alone
offering her weary arms and legs
a rest, liberated from
handicap's titanium
so that she
is now gliding on the breeze
the slow "c are I t c hhh- c are I t c hhhh"
of the glider's squeak
creating a rhythm to her anecdotes
and song.

She created that rhythm two-fold
one for each of us,
a soundtrack from adolescence… Continue

lists are fun

today I:
washed all the glasses that were in the cabinet, (by hand) dried them and reorganized the cabinet
alphabetized my books
changed the sheets on my bed
refolded the towels in the linen closet
organized my work email and cleaned it up

and i did all that
to avoid picking up the pipe
or sitting across from my husband while he smoked himself into oblivion


and tomorrow
im gonna go rollerskating
and get in touch with my inner child
because i know tomorrow is going to be even ha… Continue

i've been contemplating for a while now what it will be like to go to a concert sober.

i'm pretty sure i haven't done that before.

i used to get lost in that world... the concert world
the people- the music...those were the days.
it was quite the mindfuck. and i'm pretty certain weed was to blame

there was one time i was convinced that pot was the cure for world peace
i was in college
seeking translations otherwise impalpable...
so i went to a concert for a break- to take my mind off things..… Continue

and for me
right now,
it's my bed
and the rain
falling outside my window
and the occasional
crack of thunder in the distance
which is remarkable

but it's also the reality
of the fact that my alarm clock will be blaring in my ears at 4am.
and sleep is an elusive whore who rarely visits me these days
but she's here tonight
so i'm gonna make it happen
cause i can.

In the past my friends would laugh when i asked about a recovery site for weed. They always said "weed isn't a real drug, people don't get addicted..."
and there was a time that i believed them...
but that was before i used to cheat on my dealers with other dealers so no one knew how much i was smoking a week. not to mention going to work high. and spending the equivalent of a really nice car payment on weed every month...
and maybe that should have been my first clue that i needed to stop
or th… Continue